Spring #11 — Brooding
“Man, this is so fucked up,” said Duane, finishing his bottle of soda and leaning back against the wall of the garage.
“Yeah, no shit. It doesn’t seem real.” Dusty, who didn’t have even the slightest hangover despite the ungodly amounts he’d drank last night, idly toyed with a wrench as he sat in the open garage door, looking out at the darkly-overcast afternoon. “I always figured if anybody was gonna check out early, it was gonna be you.”
Duane scowled at him. “What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
Dusty shrugged. “Just trying to lighten the mood, is all. You are always getting into fucked-up messes.”
After thinking about that for a moment, Duane sighed. “Yeah, I guess. Makes me wanna not ever drink again, though.” He looked over at Eddie, who was sitting in the driveway, leaning against one of the tires of his pickup. “That’s what the cops said it was, right? She was drinking and … well, you know.”
Taking a drag off of his cigarette, Eddie nodded. “Yeah. That’s what they’re thinking. When I went in to the cop shop to give my statement about what I’d seen last night and everything, I asked ‘em about it, and from what they could find out from everybody still at Cindy’s, it sounds like she just got drunk, wandered off while she was angry, and … you know.” He took another drag, and then looked over at me. “How’s Mary Jane taking it?”
I was leaning against the garage doorframe a short distance from Dusty, and I shrugged. “About at well as can be expected, I guess. She took it kinda hard, and wanted to be alone after I talked to her for awhile, but that’s understandable, really.”
“Keep an eye on her,” said Eddie. “This wasn’t her fault, and she shouldn’t let it eat her up or anything.”
I nodded. “I will.”
Dusty whistled. “Poor kid. That’s gotta be rough. Having a big-ass argument with somebody and then having them … pass on the next day.” He gave me a hopeful smile. “But Mary Jane’s smart. She’ll come through.”
From where he was sitting against the battered old fridge in the corner of the garage closest to us, Lee offered an encouraging grunt. “She’s tough, too. And she’s got you to take care of her.”
A lump formed in my throat and all I could do was nod, wishing I could just tell them everything, and feeling the temptation to do so, because it was getting to be a hell of a burden to carry. But if Mary Jane didn’t want me to tell her dad, I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to tell the guys, either. She thought highly of all of them, despite the hateful things Blue Eyes had said earlier, but I knew she wouldn’t want that part of herself to be common knowledge. She had a hard enough time letting me in as it was.
“Yeah, dude, make sure she doesn’t blame herself and shit,” said Duane, and I could see concern in his eyes, which made the lump in my throat even bigger.
“I will,” I croaked, and Duane nodded, looking slightly less worried.
He and Mary Jane sniped at each other constantly, and seemed to always be at odds, but I’d noticed a definite affection between them, like what existed between brother and sister. She was able to see past all of Duane’s mischievous machismo and see the fundamentally good guy he was deep down, and even though she gleefully fucked with him, she never disrespected him and always treated him like a human being, which he’d picked up on very quickly. Though he didn’t say it, I knew he had only the highest regard for her, and that if anybody ever gave her trouble, he’d be the first one to come running to her aid, because he genuinely cared about her. That made Blue Eyes’ “dumbass white-trash” comment all the more searing every time I thought about it.
I was trying my hardest to think of Blue Eyes as a completely separate entity from Mary Jane, but it was difficult. Maybe if Blue Eyes didn’t look and sound like Mary Jane, it would’ve been easier, but that was impossible, because when you got right down to the very base of it, Blue Eyes was Mary Jane. When Blue Eyes heaped on the abuse, it was with Mary Jane’s voice, and when she lashed out, it was with Mary Jane’s fists and magick. Even if Mary Jane could work the Ascension properly, would that really be the end of Blue Eyes? Or what if when the Ascension was done, it was Blue Eyes that was in control, and not Mary Jane? Or what if the two facets of her personality became fused, so Blue Eyes’ nastiness became an integral part of Mary Jane? Mary Jane had said I’d never have a normal girlfriend, and I’d accepted that, or at least I thought I had. I was having doubts because after this morning’s run-in with Blue Eyes, I was actually relieved to be over at Dusty’s and away from Mary Jane.
It made me wish for a more ordinary girlfriend, but if Mary Jane were just a normal girl, she wouldn’t be Mary Jane, and the whole reason I’d fallen in love with her in the first place was because she wasn’t a normal girl. I couldn’t have normal and still have Mary Jane, and that was bothering me more than I liked. I was worried about her, and the thought of losing her made my stomach twist, but at the same time, I dreaded the thought of calling her up or going over there, because I didn’t know if it was going to be Mary Jane or Blue Eyes waiting for me. Even if Blue Eyes really did go away, what else was in store for me later on down the road? What other things would test my love for Mary Jane? Why couldn’t it just be enough that we loved each other? Why did all of this have to keep happening? How many more traumas and trials would we have to face before we had peace? Would we ever have peace?
I shook my head, feeling guilty about brooding over a relationship when Kristine had just died. She’d never be able to have a relationship, for better or worse, ever again, and that wasn’t fair. That wasn’t fucking fair at all. So what did I have to bitch about? Compared to Kristine, everything was fine and dandy for me. Just yesterday at this time, she was up and around and going through her life as usual, and now, 24 hours later, her life was over and done. Was that Mary Jane’s fault?
To be perfectly and bluntly honest, and despite what I’d told her, I didn’t know. What if she had done it? What if Blue Eyes had gotten control while Mary Jane was sleeping, and she’d used her magick to dump Kristine into the lake? I’d had a difficult enough time accepting Mary Jane killing Vincent and the others, so how would I deal with it if she really had killed Kristine? Killing off a group of dangerous enemies was one thing, but killing a friend because you couldn’t control what was inside of you …
I looked around at my friends, thinking about how easy things were for Lee and Tomomi, Duane and Alicia, Dusty and whoever he was with on a given day, and even Eddie whenever he was laying on the charm. They had no idea how simple things were for them. When Duane bitched about Alicia trying to get him to act proper or dress nice, or Lee groused about Tomomi’s obsessive studying for school, they didn’t realize just how good they had it. They never had to fear for their lives, they never had to encounter nameless horrors while trying to help their girlfriends, and right now, they weren’t wondering if their girlfriends had been the one that had killed Kristine. Even though it was a shitty thing to feel, I felt incredible jealousy as I watched them all solemnly sitting around the garage and driveway.
What Mary Jane and I had between us was strange and beautiful, or at least it had once been, and I’d thought that all of the fucked-up stuff was worth going through because things were so good when everything was working right. Just yesterday afternoon, when I’d gone over to Mary Jane’s to pick her up for the party, and we’d stopped to get ice cream before getting Duane and Alicia, it had been wonderful. We’d sat on the curb next to the ice cream place and had teased and taunted each other, kissing and acting like young fools in love, with no thoughts of magick, death, or despair. It had been a great moment, it had been so right. I wanted that moment back so badly it hurt, deep down in the pit of my stomach.
I wanted back the Homecoming Dance, when Mary Jane had been a relentless, one-woman army determined to get Lee to dance with Tomomi and give her a kiss when the chaperones weren’t looking.
I wanted back Halloween, when Mary Jane had dressed up like the sexiest zombie cheerleader the world had ever seen and made me the most envied guy every single place we went.
I wanted back Thanksgiving, when Grandma had been clearly put off by Mary Jane’s all-black outfit, but had been completely and utterly charmed by Mary Jane before dinner had even been served.
I wanted back Christmas, when Mary Jane and Mr. Carter had come over to my house, and we’d all opened presents down in the living room, talking and laughing while we made and ate Christmas dinner, Mary Jane and her father a part of the family.
I wanted back all of those beautiful moments, as well as the moments we should’ve had, if the madness and the magick hadn’t gotten in the way. I wanted all of the moments of the future we could’ve had, just two kids figuring out their way in the world, trusting in one another to carry on through the hardships. I wanted my Mary Jane back, the strong, confident, loving girl that took my breath away and made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I wanted a Mary Jane that I could protect and care for, one that would need me to be there for her when the going got tough, one that wouldn’t push me away because she was terrified I’d get hurt by the forces she was dabbling with. I wanted a girl without a dark side that I was afraid of. I just wanted a girl that I could love truly and happily.
Was that so much to ask for? Was it really?
What about Kristine? Mary Jane had told me Kristine had still been in love with me, despite everything Kristine had said and done to the contrary. Was that true? Or was it just something Blue Eyes had come up with to stick the knife in a little deeper? Or, I wondered as my skin crawled, what if it had been something Blue Eyes had thought up to justify killing Kristine? Just the fact that I was wondering that told me a great deal more than I wanted to know about where my heart was in all of this.
I sighed, long and hard, feeling sick to my very soul.
I looked out at the iron-grey clouds blotting out the lowering sky, which hung heavy and close over the rolling, grassy fields out here on the edge of town. It was the darkest day I could remember seeing in a long time, both literally and figuratively, and it felt like there was a whole other world right above us, just getting ready to fall. When thunder rumbled in the distance and a cool breeze began to blow, I felt bile rise up in the back of my throat and tears sting my eyes.
* * *
“You gonna be all right?” Dad asked, sticking his head in through the doorway.
I was laying on my bed and staring up at the ceiling, letting my thoughts drift wherever they wanted, in the hopes that they’d go somewhere less problematic than the here and now. So far, it wasn’t working.
“Yeah,” I replied, glancing over at him and managing a weak grin. “It’s just fucked up, you know? Uh, pardon my French.”
Dad, who was known to cuss a blue streak now and again, gave me a knowing smile. “It’s pardoned. And yeah, it is fucked up. Pardon my French.”
I sat up against the headboard, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’ll let it go this time.”
“Good.” He took a few steps into the room and leaned against the wall, as he usually did whenever we had a chat. “Kids your age shouldn’t have to think about that kind of thing. Mortality and all that. Especially not now, whenever the whole world’s getting ready to open up for you. It happens, whether you want it or not, and you just have to learn to roll with the punches, though it’s not easy. All a part of growing up.” He grimaced slightly. “Though I really wish you wouldn’t have had to learn this lesson until much later in life.”
I nodded silently.
“She was a pretty good friend, wasn’t she?”
I nodded again. After thinking about it all day, I’d realized that Kristine might’ve become more than that, given time. That made losing her that much harder.
Dad stepped over next to my bed and put a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “Sorry, kiddo. I wish I could make it easier for you, or flip a switch and make the universe take it back. But I’m here if you need any help, and you know I’m always happy to run interference for you. You hang in there, all right?”
“Yeah,” I said, trying to keep my voice from going rough.
“And you be careful, you hear me? Don’t let this pull you down into a bunch of shit. I’ve seen it happen before, and it’s not a good thing, and it’s something I don’t want to happen to you.” He paused, his voice getting softer. “I know you go out and party and do all of the things that guys your age do. I’m not gonna lie to you, I did all of that, too, and I might even have a few things on you, though I’m not gonna say what they are, because your mom would kick my head in if she thought I was giving you any ideas.” I glanced at him and smiled, in spite of everything. “But I kept my cool and kept my head above water, even when the going got rough, and that’s what you gotta do. Now more than ever. I know you can make it through, and if this starts to really get to you, let me know, okay? I don’t want to become a grandpa right now, but later on down the road, I’d really like it if you gave me some grandkids to mow the yard and shovel the snow for me, because I sure as hell don’t want to have to do it full-time again.”
Unable to help it, I laughed for the first time that day, and it felt wonderful. It didn’t make all of the problems and fear and hurt go away, but it took some of the edge off, and I looked up at Dad gratefully.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “You can have ‘em after they’ve taken care of my yard and my snow.”
He chuckled and tousled my hair. “Fair enough.”
“Thanks, Dad. I’ll be okay, I think. Just need some time, is all.” I finally had to wipe at my eyes, which Dad pretended he didn’t see.
“Good man,” he said, thumping me on the shoulder. “I figured you’d do okay, but I just wanted to remind you that you’ve always got me and your mom in your corner if you need us. You might not need any help, but sometimes it’s just good to know that it’s there if you do need it.”
“Definitely.”
He started to walk out of my room, and then stopped and turned around in the doorway. “You gonna feel up to going to school tomorrow? If you don’t, just let me know, okay? Your mom and I talked about it, and if you want to miss a day or two to just unwind or think or whatever you need to do, we figured it wouldn’t hurt. The year’s almost over and your grades are perfect, so what the hell, huh?”
I thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I’ll probably just go anyway, but thanks. It might be best to just keep busy instead of sitting around thinking about it all the time.”
He nodded. “You’re probably right. But you do what you gotta do, and we’re here for you, if you need anything.”
“Thanks. Really,” I said, meaning it.
“Gotta keep my favorite yard-ape happy, so I don’t have to do all the chores around here,” he said, giving me a little salute before heading off down the hall.
“Wiseass,” I said, raising my voice slightly.
“I heard that!”
* * *
After staring at the phone for almost ten minutes, I picked it up off my bed and set it on the floor, unable to bring myself to dial Mary Jane’s number. I really wanted to know how she was doing and what was going on, but at the same time, I was afraid of what the answer might be. I was also afraid of who might answer. I didn’t know if I could take another confrontation with Blue Eyes today, even if it was only over the phone.
As I lay back down on my bed, I put my hands over my eyes and sighed heavily. I didn’t know if I could take another confrontation with Blue Eyes period. I couldn’t get the last one out of my mind no matter how hard I tried, and all of the hateful things she’d said and done kept echoing through my brain, still slicing deeply even after endless repetition. I felt sick and weary of it all, and wished it would all go away.
I wanted to close my eyes and wake up to find myself on the morning of the day that Abigail first appeared, so that whenever she showed up, I could help hold her down while Mary Jane slit her throat. Abigail ended up dying anyway, and if she would’ve died back then instead of later, Kristine would still be alive right now. Abigail’s life for Kristine’s. That was a more than fair trade, as far as I was concerned. As terrible as that sounded, as much as it went against the things that my parents had taught me, that’s what I wanted. A whole lot of pain and suffering could have been saved, as well as the life of someone who deserved to be able to keep on living instead of being taken away so early in the game.
My eyes popped open as I remembered what Mary Jane had said before, about never having read anything that said she couldn’t raise the dead. Could she really have that kind of power? I sat up on my bed, my heart starting to race. That was crazy!
Any crazier than having power over the winds and the air itself? Any crazier than being able to solidly lock a car shut and make the glass unbreakable with just a few words? Any crazier that any of the other stuff I’d seen with her? She’d said that she could make everything all right again, and that she could make it even better; had that just been wishful thinking or a stab at real possibilities? After all, she knew more about magick than I did, so if anybody was able to guess at what they could and couldn’t do, it was her! Maybe she really could make things all right again, maybe she could take it all back if she got her powers under control! Maybe … maybe she’d become powerful enough that we could be happy again.
I reached down for the phone, and just before my hand came in contact with it, it rang, scaring the shit out of me.
Almost falling off my bed, I snapped the phone up off the floor and breathlessly answered it. “Hello? Mary Jane? Is that you?” If it wasn’t her, I was going to throw the phone against the fucking wall, because I was most definitely not in the mood to be fucked with by wrong numbers and calls for other people.
“Hey baby,” was the weak reply. Just from hearing the tone of her voice, my heart fell.
“Are you okay?” I asked, my stomach tying itself into a double-knot.
“No. I’m sorry, baby.”
“What is it? What’s the matter?” I murmured, though I didn’t want to hear the answer, because I already knew it.
“I tried everything I could, I used everything I knew, and … it wasn’t enough.”
“The Ascension?”
“I’m so sorry, baby. For everything.”
“It’s okay, beautiful. What about—?”
“No, it’s not okay. It would’ve been okay if I would’ve just stayed out of your life, if I would’ve just accepted what I was, instead of trying to be something I wasn’t. I fucked everything up for you, and … Kristine.” She choked back a sob, sounding like she was in agony. “I still don’t know if I did it, Johnny. I really don’t.”
“You didn’t do it,” I said, forcing myself not to cry. “You didn’t fucking do it.”
“Does it matter, baby? Does it really matter? Even if I didn’t push her into the lake, she still ended up in there because she was so upset with me, after I pushed her around and was so awful to her. If it weren’t for me, that party would’ve gone down like any other, and …” She started to cry, and I rapidly blinked my eyes as my vision became smeared with tears. “And it would all be okay. I ruined it for you, for Kristine, and for everybody.”
“The party doesn’t matter,” I said through gritted teeth, desperately trying to keep my voice from hitching. I heard a soft sound by my door, and when I jerked around in sudden fright, I saw that it was just Dad quickly pulling my door closed to give me some privacy, acting like he didn’t see how close to bawling I was. That simple, loving act in and of itself almost put me over the edge, my heart was so painfully twisted.
“It’s not the party. It’s everything. All of it. Every part of your life and everybody else’s that I’ve fucked up because of who and what I am. I shouldn’t have ever gotten into your life, because you, all of you, would’ve been better off without me.”
“That’s not true! Stop saying that shit!” The sorrow and pain in her voice were so crushing that I almost wished that I was talking to Blue Eyes instead of Mary Jane, because hearing her like this, so utterly defeated, was almost worse than Blue Eyes railing at me. “It’s not true and you know it.”
She laughed sadly. “You’re so good to me. You always have been. If anybody could have saved me, it was you. You almost did. But I’ve got too much of my mother in me, and I made too much of a mess of my life and myself for even someone like you to be able to fix it all. All you ever did was try to love me, try to keep me on the straight and narrow, and baby, I almost made it. I thought I had made it a few times. But in the end, I failed. I failed myself, I failed you, I failed Daddy, and I failed everyone who believed in me and thought I was a good person. It’s nobody’s fault but mine, and it’s time to get the hell out before I wreck anything else, before somebody else …” She trailed off, unable to speak through her sobs.
My blood was frigid as I remembered how she’d once said that she’d kill herself if she ever caused anything bad to happen to me. “What … what do you mean, ‘get the hell out?’ You’re not going to …”
“No, no, not that, baby,” she said, taking a deep breath and steadying her voice. “I’m just going to go away. Like I should have done in the first place.”
“But what about me? I love you, dammit!” I protested. “What about everybody that cares about you? You can’t just … just … go away!”
“You’re all better off without me. Trust me.”
“Bullshit! We’ll work through this!”
“We can’t. This isn’t something you work through. If I stay, I’m only going to make things worse.”
“We can try!”
“At what cost? How much more suffering, how many more losses, before we finally call it quits? This is what I have to do, Johnny. This is the only way I can stop anything else from happening.”
“You don’t know that, Mary Jane,” I said, angrily rubbing at my tears. “You don’t fucking know that.”
“Yes, I do. More clearly than you can imagine.”
“How?” I growled. “How can you know? Your magick can’t tell you everything.”
“It can tell me enough, and I don’t need magick to see how things are, to see how the world works. You don’t understand that yet, and I hope you never have to, baby.”
“And how do you know that? How do you know I haven’t learned that since I met you?”
“Because I’ve made sure you didn’t. Because I wouldn’t let myself put you through that, no matter how badly I fucked things up.”
“You don’t know,” I said, faltering. “You don’t know.”
“I do. As you are now, so once was I. As you are now … I wish I could be,” she whispered. “More than anything.”
“Don’t go,” I rasped, my voice breaking up. “Please don’t go. I love you. I need you.”
“No, you don’t, baby,” murmured Mary Jane. “You don’t need the kind of trouble I’ll bring you. You need to just forget about me and find yourself a nice girl who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, who can give herself to you without bringing ruin with her. You’ll find her someday. You might have even found her sooner, if it weren’t for me, and for that, I’m so sorry I can’t even tell you. You’ll be the sun in someone else’s sky, just like you were in mine. Thank you, baby.”
I broke down completely, barely even able to speak, and all I could manage was, “Don’t go! Please don’t go! I love you!”
“I love you, too. Forever and ever, until the stars begin to fall … and beyond. Now sleep, baby.” She murmured a few nonsensical syllables into the phone and I immediately felt so heavy that I could hardly move.
“No,” I groaned as I started to tilt backwards, falling towards my pillow. “No!”
“Goodbye, Johnny,” was the last thing I heard before the phone fell from my hand and the world turned to black.
